a post in which i say "you" because it's easier than saying "me"
Ticket booth at Coney Island, Diana+After a year apart, I'm in the homestretch now, just a week away from being with friends again on the Pacific coast. Close enough now to be thinking about it a good portion of the time. Close enough to feel like I'm coming apart a little at the seams.
Have you ever noticed this phenomenon? When you are in sight of an opportunity to let your hair down, suddenly hair pins start spontaneously popping out on their own accord. Locks fall in your face, and as the pin-popping trend continues you start to look tousled and disheveled. What is happening, you wonder. I've been holding everything together so famously for so long. But that's just the point. You know soon you won't be required to, and the part that's been holding in its breath can't help but start to exhale in little bursts at the sheer anticipation.
I can't be a mess when I arrive. Deep down you're worried about the embarrassment of being seen in such a state: human. Full of paradox. Grateful and grieving. Lost and found. But you cover it up with thoughts like these: What if someone else needs to fall apart, and she needs me to be the strong one? This is the kind of justification you always use to keep your own experience at bay, so you don't have to really inhabit it.
The truth is, no one needs you to be anything. You will be all that is needed simply by being present. By being there.
You know this is true about these people, and this place, and it makes you wonder if it could be true in the rest of your life, too. If the coifed hair and held breath are ever helping, or if they are just encouraging others to do the same.
Friday, August 7, 2009 at 7:27AM Jen Lee | 14 Comments | in authenticity, community Share Article | Permalink
Reader Comments (14)
Yes.
"You will be all that is needed simply by being present. By being there."
Imagine it is true - everywhere, all the time.
Yes.
That would be a hell to the yes, for me. Sometimes, we have to come undone to build ourselves back up. And, you know, coming undone is not such a bad thing if you discover something there.
What was it you said, Jen - when you think you're having a breakdown, it's really a breakthrough??!! xo
I think it's true for me that when I'm around people who seem put together all the time, I feel the need to put on my own "put-together" facade. I love being invited over to people's houses and find that they didn't hide all their clutter because I was coming over. It makes me feel like they are comfortable enough with me to show me how they really live, that I'm not some stranger they have to put on an act for. I think it goes the same for the clutter in our hearts and souls. When someone shows me their mess, I feel honored and loved.
Empathy is the privilege of being human, and having the chance to give and receive it is an honor and a blessing.
xoxo
yes- yes- there is truth here- i have been in this thought place too recently xo
I love this - "You will be all that is needed simply by being present. By being there." Yes. And the people you're with will understand, and hold you up while you find out how to put yourself back together.
There is deep truth here - thanks for sharing it with us.
you taught me this truth last year and now once again. thank you. love, alex
Love this, Jen. Actually hit me hard today in a lot of ways. I have a friend who for a long time hid the fact that her marriage was falling apart--mostly due to verbal abuse--because she was convinced that everyone else had perfect lives and perfect marriages, and that the failing was hers, hers alone, and above all her responsibility. None of that was true, of course, but it was a startling wakeup call. Even after that jolt, though, I find myself running, screaming, flailing away from the reality that I know I can and want to inhabit fully....but still, the "I can't" persists. Loudly.
However, I've been meaning to buy one of those kitschy signs that says "A clean house is a sign of a wasted life." Perhaps that sign will help put me on the right path.....and perhaps your post is the impetus I need to make that purchase.
Hope you are well, and that your Pac coast time is relaxing and freeing when you finally get there. :o)
That's me. Holding it together for others. Side stepping my own frailties and concealing my vulnerabilities. Truth is I am brutal with my self language. I'm so supportive of others but I thrown internal grenades at my esteem.
Unraveling is a courageous journey we see who we are under all the layers, fascades, walls armours, titles, make up, clothes, trinkets to who lingers beneath the soul that sees through out eyes.
I'm looking forward to your Squam classes.
You're a treasure.
Trish
patriciadolan@comcast.net
Beautiful!
amen lady!
Breathe and have fun out there next to the rhythmic waves.... I have this suspiscision that you'll enjoy it even more this time.
I'm in the process of making this my life all the time. And most of the time right now I feel like I've jumped from the plane and forgotten to pack the chute. Yesterday my aunt told me to take comfort that there will be an outcome even if I don't know what the outcome will actually be. I've been holding my breath and pinning up my hair for far too long. Have fun on your trip. Someday I would love to do a trip like that...
Sighing deeply. I'll send my living ghost to float overhead and soak it up.