before you're ready
dance party, photo by Dustin
Just in case you were beginning to wonder, I've been quiet offline, too.
My sister, Meg, and her husband, Dustin, have been visiting for the holiday. We've had some amazing moments. But my husband has missed many of them. He flew out to see his father, who is dying, and to be with his family. So I've been tethered loosely to my body, inhabiting liminal spaces--not fully here or there, together or apart. The snow falls, the girls snuggle close and giggle with delight, keeping joy clasped firmly to one hand while sorrow holds the other.
You should post some of these holiday photos, I chide myself. They are so bright and cheery.
But they only tell half of the story. No one is crying for the camera.
The same can't be said for the pillows.
Small children demand that levity stays present, so you relegate the heaviness to your chest, where it stays until they ask you about coffins and funerals while they eat oatmeal out of bowls perched on the kitchen windowsill.
Even then it is given a short audience. The words sound almost matter-of-fact as they travel from where you're sitting on the kitchen floor, waiting for your guests to wake.
Then it's back to capes and dance parties and scissors making a flurry of paper on the floor. And the love that is so clear and big that you feel like you're swimming in it. You think, maybe your friends are right--maybe love can carry you, can hold you.
And you hope that it's holding him right now. That it won't ever let go.
Before you're ready, it's time to run the bath. To make the meal.
To wait for the telephone to ring.
Saturday, January 2, 2010 at 4:11PM | Share Article 16 Comments | Email Article Print Article | Permalink | in hope
Reader Comments (16)
Jen,
This is so lovely. I am sorry for the coexistence of sadness and joy at this time of year, and for your husband's pending loss. I know the feeling well, of the way that children tug us back from our own fields of sadness, back to the now, to the light, to the laughter. But for me at least that is bittersweet, since, as you say, the darkness just gets shoved down into our own chests.
Lovely.
I've been feeling quiet too—and trying to balance the holidays with sadness as well. It's a tricky juggling act, I find. I'm sorry to hear you're going through it also. It's hard to feel sad, to be experiencing loss, at this time of year when all is so festive.
Sending love and hugs your way, as I sit here quietly on the other coast. May we both find the space and time we need.
with you, friend.
with you.
with the love that does and will carry and hold you and your beloveds,
gem
sending lightness to you in this moment
sending quiet moments for deep breaths
sending the truth that love does carry us
sending a warm, wide hug
yes
thank you for sharing these words here so that those who can read them can hold you and your family in our hearts.
Hi Jen,
I am a blog follower and will be joining in with "The take you with it you" journey which I am looking forward to. I just wanted to say I have been in that liminal space a few times in the last couple of years, and it does really feel like a time out of time. What a gift that you have your children to balance it out.
May you and your family find peace at this time.
Oh, Jen. I'm so sorry this season has brought sorrow mixed with the joy. May love carry you and hold you, and may you find the peace you need. Sending love your way. xo
Jen,
I send you heartfelt thoughts of time for the process and for the healing. I can relate to the sadness within the laughter of children. If you do not know of the books:
Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying ~ Maggie Callanan & Patricia Kelley and
Final Journeys by Maggie Callanan...
please take a moment as they are amazingly comforting for those invloved with loved ones who are in the the journey of dying and are embracing Hospice services. They have been just what I needed during/after my mom's death 10/08. I told many of these wonderful, gentle and insightful books.
Warmly,
Nancy
PS I got my "Fortunes" order today...Thank You!!!!
Jen,
My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. Holding the tension can be exhausting.
I wrote this a couple of weeks ago - at the winter solstice - but I thought you might like it as you struggle to hold the light and dark in the same breath.
http://theramblingpoet.blogspot.com/2009/12/longest-night.html
Hold on to the love.
How to juggle child filled moments of pretend play with the caustic, searing adult reality of life seasons changing. How to answer life and death questions to those innocents undertow while staying above the waves of uncertainty. How to live in this moment and prepare for the next. How to cry into pillows and grin for the camera. How to be real in unreal moments.
All my love,
Trish
xoxo
I just want you to know that I hear you, your words, your heart, the heaviness, the never ending need meeting. Prayers and hugs for you, dear lady.xo
Your friends are right, love can carry you, love will hold you and your love will carry and hold the one you love.
I just want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts, and I am imagining sending love and light your way.
my thoughts are with you all and i'm sending you love and biiiiiig leonie-shaped hugs
xo
you've captured so beautifully that space in between living and dying - the place where we linger when someone we love is moving on. sending thoughts your way.
thinking of you
and sending love
-kate
This is so beautiful, Jen. So heart-breaking and heart-healing at the same time. Wishing you peace and strength and love in this difficult time...