Confessions, Part 4: Happy to Forget Who I Am
Our stories are like our fingerprints. Distinct. Like no one else's. Completely unique and completely human. It's why giving people a voice is so important. We NEED everyone's stories. We NEED your story. --Rowena Murillo
I wanted to make sure no one missed this comment that Rowena left on yesterday's post. It had me saying a loud "Amen!" just before pulling the covers over my head. I don't understand this dynamic in myself--it seems that knowing you have something the world needs might inspire a person, or spur her to action, but in my case it often feels like the opposite occurs.
I'm so happy to tell other people how important their work is, or how the world needs it. How they must not give up. And these things are all true. But often, I'm trying to shirk something off on them--if I can get them to tell stories that change the world, I'll be off the hook from having to do the same myself. Or I try auditioning for the role of their sidekick, so I can come along for their ride. If you are wondering how annoying this must be, just ask my friends. I'm sure they'll be happy to tell you.
This is a mystery to me: why part of me knows exactly who I am and another part tries relentlessly to forget. There's a possibility that I'm not willing to claim, and a fear that I haven't yet been able to name, and they are skittering through the shadows in my internal attic.
But I'm onto them now, and the hunt is on.
How about you? Over the weekend, use your TMWY pages to hunt for unclaimed possibilities and unnamed fears. We can share our wounds and triumphs next week.
Friday, January 15, 2010 at 10:46AM | Share Article 9 Comments | Email Article Print Article | Permalink | in Take Me with You: A Journal for the Journey, The Journey Together through TMWY, Writing, stories
Reader Comments (9)
I have two comments and I'm going to post them separately because something here is making me a little dizzy.
First: I have to agree with this desire to hide under the covers when you see yourself getting close to your dreams. It is fucking SCARY to live up to your dreams, to BE who you are supposed to be. What if you're not good enough? What if you mess up? What if you don't like it? What if people expect stuff of you? What if it's too much or not enough? Blagh.
Is this where we need to have faith in ourselves, that we can handle whatever comes? I don't know, if I can make it through the tough times I've had, shouldn't I be able to make it through the terror of becoming who I'm meant to be?
Stay tuned for second comment.
Comment part 2:
Okay, this is the one that is making me dizzy. I just came from a blog from someone who left a comment on one of my posts, http://ghostdoghaiku.blogspot.com/2010/01/russian-dna-discoveries-mind-blowing.html and this blog points to a russian discovery that our dna follows grammatical rules and patterns. Our genecode is language. And that just got me thinking that perhaps not only is language and telling stories part of our dna, but our very identity IS a story. Our own personal dna sequence is a story in itself. Together, we're an epic tale!
And then here you are, quoting my fingerprint comment. Fingerprints. DNA. Stories.
My mind is blown a little.
this is so cool...i was thinking about stories earlier today when i was driving and how part of why i have always wanted to know other people's stories (where ya from, what nationality, religion, brothers and sisters, losses, joys, etc. -- rather than share my own story) is to help me understand my own (and many times avoid it, and the emotional work it can require)...that whole human dna gene code thing coupled with the fingerprints is breathtaking...
ME TOO! I am a fellow huntress - determined down to my very DNA to find this elusive fear and either bag it and mount it on my wall as a trophy or make friends with it and soothe its skittering nature. Whichever way that works is fine with me but prevail I will. I am not spending another year wondering "if I...", "can I... ", "what would happen if..."
wonderful wise words. the sidekick role is one that i embace but i've never really been brave enough to reflect deeply on what that means.
you really are excellent at putting words to these challenging experiences. i also just want to say that eventually i'm going to get the take me w/you journal & do your exercises. but right now i'm doing the artist's way AND about to leave the country for a month. the timing is off... but i'm excited for when the timing is on. i love what you're uncovering. and i know, too, about both being & fighting the biggest-fan-friend in me. it's a journey. so glad to be on it.
AH Jen... why do you go poking around in my cupboard inside my heart and then come and write about it here??? well if you insist :-) i resist telling my story because i don't beleive it is as good as i think it might be (do you hear my two parts fighting there?) i think i get scared too because it is never just my story - it is just my version of the story... who will i let down if i tell it wrong...who will be affronted, who will be torn.... i am not in isolation... hell, none of us were - we were all cells in our grandmothers' bodies (i was present as the eggs in my fetal mother's ovaries - that means i was physically with them before my mother was born)... i carry the stories in my dna i carry the stories of the land i live in (if i listen closely enough) it is never just my story... and sometimes that is quite a weight
What if being who you are means hurting and letting down everyone around you? I mean, what if everyone is counting on you to be the way you (and they)thought you were going to be...and then you discover maybe you're really something else entirely? What if the truth really does hurt? Sometimes the path of self discovery is so very scary. (Can you tell I've been thinking about this a lot?)
thank you.
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