the things i can't fit on a tshirt
just as they are, Diana Instant+Making new friends can be nerve-wracking. You go through different stages, like the "This person seems too good to be true" waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop stage. Or the "I hope I don't blow it" stage. In my experience, this one can last a long time.
The internet feels like a normalizing medium for me--I don't think it shows my undesirable parts too much, like a really forgiving pair of jeans. But in person I worry about the parts of me that my old friends have acquired a taste for but my new friends might find unpalatable. Things like:
how neurotic and anxious I am
how I'm as intense as three tightly-wound people put together
how I'm freakishly productive at times
how I see a lot, more than some people are comfortable with
And I wish I could trade all these things in, along with my crazy hair, and just be normal and nondescript. I know I couldn't be liked for any of these things then, but I couldn't be disliked for them, either.
Being new friends is sometimes about breaking the bad news to each other.
I'm sorry I'm such a freak.
You probably think I should be committed.
It's okay if you don't know what to do with me. I have an un-fan page for people like you on Facebook.
You keep glancing over to see if you've lost them yet, and you're only worried because the stakes feel higher than whether you'll get unfollowed on Twitter for being an obnoxious morning person.
One friend spent her whole first visit to my apartment breaking the bad news.
You're going to like my sister more than me when you meet her.
I disappoint everyone.
I never meet expectations.
She kept looking at me to see if this new deal we were forging was broken yet. I listened to every word, and only thought with amusement, Are you done yet?
She had a whole day's worth of this material. This confirmed my suspicion that we were meant to be friends.
I spend a lot of energy trying to seem normal. I think there's something about the social stigma and stereotype of the "crazy artist" that makes me want to keep most things under wraps. Yes, I hear voices in my head and see stories more clearly than facts. But I call this creative. Not crazy. (Though there's plenty of crazy being served up on the side to explain the confusion.)
It reminds me of the statements people wear on tshirts. Maybe some things about yourself are just easier to wear emblazoned across your chest than they are to say out loud. Things like this:
I have post-event social anxiety. This leads to compulsive/obsessive event debriefing, like a really long and pointless post-game show.
I'm totally awkward in certain social situations. Like at bars. I never know what to order in a bar. What I want is an Irish coffee or a Baileys and coffee, but with decaf. But they never have decaf at a bar. And then they're mocking me for asking.
I'm always worried that my apartment looks too messy or my kids are acting too wild or that I look too disheveled, since I'm generally too lost in thought to manage such things well. And I hate taking showers.
I worry that my neuroticism will be confused with obsessiveness. There's a difference.
I think about death every day. Without exception.
I live in constant fear of being misunderstood.
I don't know why I'm telling you all of these things. Maybe because I couldn't fit them all on a tshirt. Maybe the question we're always asking is this: Can you take me just as I am?
If not, I have a Facebook link you might be interested in...
Monday, November 23, 2009 at 8:34AM | Share Article 45 Comments | Email Article Print Article | Permalink | in authenticity, friendship
Reader Comments (45)
"Can you take me just as I am?"
Yes. Yes, please. xo
thank you. tears. gratitude. trust. and yes, just as you are. hoping to meet in person one day (wearing one of your t-shirts). xo
"I have post-event social anxiety. This leads to compulsive/obsessive event debriefing, like a really long and pointless post-game show."
This would definitely be the t-shirt I need, though the others would probably apply as well. How about this one:
"I am really really bad at small talk. Sorry."
For today, I'm going to call all my little quirks creative instead of crazy. Thanks, Jen.
Oh, I love this post! I can relate to so much of it. And I love how you are!
Yes--I'm really bad at small talk, too!
A really good movie about this is "The Family Stone", even though the dialogue on this specific point is painfully bad.
ha! I recently wrote a post about being a misfit. Nice to meet a kindred spirit.
Wow,
That is so much ME TOO !!
But I also think that for men, making friends is difficult in itself, just because of our nature.
And for me, all I saw of my father's "friendships" -- only later in his life, retirement, does he actually have friends he meets for breakfast, and only rarely meets up with -- was that he would go off to poker on Fridays ( a game based on deception and one-upmanship, if you think about it), and would occasionally run into someone from work or his past at a hockey game, and a few simple lines exchanged.
(btw, I think about death every HOUR)
Thank you!
Lawrence C.
We have quite a bit in common - right up to, and including, the use of humour in vulnerable situations. I felt drawn to your posts and podcasts immediately. So glad you're you and not, me - for example ...
I am also really awkward at bars. :) And I often wonder if I am disappointing people. But I'm also learning to accept people just as they are - and let people see me just as I am, so they can accept me in turn. It's such a crazy game we play, isn't it? The just-as-I-am friendships are scary, but they're SO worth it.
go on with your bad self, sister! and tell those raw, beautiful, ugly truths. those are the things i live for. people just as they are. and you're brave enough to admit how nerve wrecking it can be to lay it all out there and just be yourself. thanks for this. i'm a total weird-o, too. and i absolutely hate showering.
I looove this post so much!!! Probably because I relate to it soooo well!!!!!! Thank you for sharing it.
Jen, I love this. And your post reminded me that when us weirdos, who feel so implausibly odd so much of the time, find a kindred spirit, the feeling is so much sweeter.
Update: I'm hanging out with one of my many new friends this morning. Every time I'm so surprised, like, Wow--she still likes me!
yes, there is that funny balance with new friends and the old...thanks for the great post!
You think about death every day? Dude, me too! I didn't know that about you.
Oh, and I should also say: Thanks for taking me just as I am. And for giving you just as you are.
I will take you exactly as you are. There is nothing that you have written in today's post that I don't relate to or appreciate understanding. I. think. you. and. your. curls. rock.
Trish
Always a fine balance in being one-self totally and yet treading carefully in new friendships. It's funny that once you have made the friend that stuff will no longer weird you out, yet if you were presented with it right at the start you might think: "Oh my...". I always found that anyway. I can accept most things in my friends, understand it, embrace it. In fact, I love it. The quirks, the stuff that's different, the little edges, cracks and blemishes that make them who they are. And who is the one to dictate what is the way we are supposed to be anyway. I have often anxiety surrounding the friend issue, too. Especially since I moved to the UK and found it really difficult making friends. And yes, I made and lost friends here and the losing bit was painful and had something to do with me being "too weird".
Love this post. Make the T-Shirt. I would wear it with pride. In XXXXXL to fit the message on if necessary.
I want one of each of those t-shirts!
Also, my own would be "I live in constant fear of being understood. Because that means you might be as crazy as I am, and crazy people make me a bit nervous."
we could fill a lot of time together, if we ever met face to face, comparing things to put on tshirt lists... and surrepticiously checking if we were smelly (i don't like showering either)
As someone living in a new city, trying to do the hard work of making new friends, I can totally relate. And making friends just seems to get harder as we get older (remember kids on the playground who hug at first meeting? why can't we be more like that?).
I'll echo Trish and say I think your curls rock too. They're so you! (and I say that never having met you in person). The older I get, it's the more distinctive things I love the most about my friends. All the quirks and foibles that make them them. That's the stuff that can't be replicated (t-shirt entirely optional:-).
Do you struggle with how much you can trust/rely on a new friend too? How long will it take before you know they'll be there for you? That's a big one for me.
Thanks for being you, and thanks for being honest. Makes us all feel a little more human I think.
Your strength "out here" is that you are so vulnerable. I come back to read more. I think you're uber cool. I'm intrigued.Namaste,
OMG, this is awesome only because I feel the same way...i'm always wondering when people are going to stop liking me or figure out who the real me is..
there are a million things going on inside that I think..if they only knew this is what i think about ..
thank you for calling this out.
you made me feel better about being "crazy/creative"
hahaha :)
xo
Precious, Jen, hello!
I love you just for you! I hope to work things out to see you when you are in my neck of the woods. I will show up with my crazy hair, tender heart, and open arms. I know it drives you crazy but I really love your hair and I have started to embrace my random waves as well...
So thankful for you. Happy Thanksgiving!
oh! and yes, I think about death every day too!... I don't know if it's good or bad, but it makes me feel better I'm not alone on this one since so many other people make me feel like a freak about it.
Congratulations, Jen: you officially qualify as a full-fledged human! :) What I love so much about your blog is how easily your words and images make me forget about all of my little flaws...or rather they help me embrace my flaws. see them as things of beauty. yours, too, are beautiful!
Love the way you write and convey so much sincere emotion. I can also relate to everything you wrote (except I like taking showers).
love knowing that you hate taking showers-- ME, too!! and I always felt weird about it-- but no more!
How about "If I REALLY let you see me, I know you won't like me"
but I think saying them out loud - or writing them down - helps quiet them just a little....
You sound "just right" to me. Comfy and familiar. I like that in a person.
i adore you. and your hair. and i'll take you with all your crazy bits than not being able to have you at all.
i think i'd move in, if you let me.
x
This post is one of those raw, honest, "omigod, I think that too but how did she have the guts to write it?" exclamations that touches us all, as you can see by the number of responses it's garnered so far. It's posts like this that connect us all, and yet the ones that we are all so afraid to write. But seeing your honesty and people's positive reactions to it just gives me the nudge I need to be raw and open myself. The t-shirt slogan I most identify with? The one about wanting decaf coffee and bailiey's at a bar. Or sometimes I just get a craving for chocolate milk. Why does everyone think that's so laughable? Aren't bars known for their wide variety of drinks?!?!?
Oh mi goodness. I feel like you just riffled through my 'It must just be me' drawer and pulled out half the stuff to wear.
Thank you.
Death every day. Yep, me too. And a whole lotta other stuff too. See you soon! xo
Wishing there was a LIKE button for this post. Better yet a LOVE button. Love this post and love the you that's you.
Wow, this is so good. Thank you for writing it. I can almost believe you are almost as weird (well, maybe) as I am! and that is worth much gratitude on my part - it takes some guts to write like that. I can see it touched a lot of your readers, too. I also have such a hunger for being and seeing people as they really, weirdly, powerfully, achingly beautifully are. Such a hunger. And I often don't feel like it is shared by many, but maybe it is more than I know. I wish there was still space in your writing workshop in February. Put me on the wait list?
Thank you. When you decide to speak it is always worth listening.
perfect
truly. just like that.
can I say now how I love your crazy wonderful hair?
and how I always feel my skin is too small
and that I could be so sparkly if only I could catch a breath and let my voice out unhindered
and oh,
yeah
I think I'd need a damned big t-shirt, bus sized, for the kate caveats
but maybe we all do
a big one that says
YOU ARE ENOUGH
ha! i just adore you for this post. turikumwe.
Thank you, Jen.
"And I hate taking showers."
Utterly charming - I hate taking showers too. Especially on the weekends.
I know you! you're me! Linda from squam
your words...
my words...
Everybody's words!
Spoken like a true Sister.
Yes, Jen. Just as you are, have been and will be.
...and everything else in between. (even the "unshowered, crazy hair bits. ;))
in Gratitude,
K.
what a gift you give, your honesty.
thank you. i linked and quoted you on my blog. http://andherheadpoppedoff.com
. . . and designed my own "bad news" t-shirt. :)