Why am I doing this?
It always happens. Without fail. At some point in the process, whether I'm finding errors in the proof or dropping my most honest work yet into paper envelopes and metal slots, I ask myself the question.
Why am I doing this again? Why, when I could just be a mom and watch the legs grow long and the days shorten? Why, when I could just be a reader, and let someone else do the hard work of telling the truth and spreading the word?
These are good questions, especially now that I see them spelled out in plain print. They're important ones, too, because the reason why we make the things we do, well it's like the soil they grow in. If it's something organic or something toxic, it affects the fruit. The fruit of toxic motives may look good, waxed and shiny and bug-nibble-free, but when you really take a big bite, something tastes "off". On the other hand, creative work that comes from authenticity and courage just tastes like the real thing, and the audience knows it even if the critics refuse to be swayed.
I'll answer these questions in two posts (or maybe three). I'll probably answer them again down the road, if my answers change. I think it's good to begin by naming the reasons why I almost don't do it. (Don't you have your own list like this?) If I didn't do this work, it would be because of one or more of these things. These then are the things I do this in spite of. It is guaranteed to not be an exhaustive list.
- I could make more money doing practically anything else.
- Some members of my family don't share my experiences or point-of-view on family-related matters, and they have a concern that negative conclusions will be drawn about them if I tell my stories. If I didn't write, my family life wouldn't feel like such a mine field.
- Don't throw your pearls before swine. That's from the Bible, from my old days, and I could infer that the world won't appreciate the good things I give it--or, that it's my job to litmus test everyone first and only share my jewels with those who prove themselves worthy.
- Does the world really need more voices? Aren't there already more clamoring than we have the attention to hear?
- If I tell the truth (that is, write authentically), people may decide collectively, once and for all, that I am unlikeable. And have the evidence in their hands to prove it.
- Who do I think I am, to put my thoughts out there? Who certified my talent? What on earth makes me special enough to warrant this priviledge?
How are those for a start? So in case you were wondering, Yes, I have all those thoughts, too. I just don't give them much (or mostly, any) airtime. When I get caught in one, I have to pull it apart until I can see the failed reasoning underneath it. Like the last one. Of course I'm not special--none of us are in that being a human being is a very ordinary experience. Millions of people are doing it all over the globe right now, and have for a long time. Are we unique? Absolutely. Special? Nah. I don't think specialness is a criteria for having a platform. Doing good work? Now we're talking.
So there they are--the top reasons why I almost don't do what I do. If I think of more, I'll add them in the comments section. Of course, I'd love to hear yours. If something were to stop you, or hold you back, what would it be? Is something holding you back right now? I was brave and went first, now it's your turn--'fess up.
Thursday, July 16, 2009 at 7:34AM | Share Article 15 Comments | Email Article Print Article | Permalink | in Writing, creative work
Reader Comments (15)
thank you for your authentic artistry...fills me with wild inspiration and appreciation.
three classic, self-imposed, real barriers...'not good enough', will hurt someone, and will lose connection. and three practices for traversing them...write, dance, write.
I can relate. Oh, I, can. so. much. relate.
the one that always trips me up is the last one in your list - who the hell do i think i am to put anything out there? this gremlin voice beats me up with alarming regularity and i constantly feel at its mercy. Takes a lot of work/faith/perseverance to get past the gremlin!
Isn't it interesting that the only thing that ever holds us back is ourselves? So don't ask, tell. You're telling yourself, after all, and isn't it time to listen? Love.
All of these satellite around me on some days. I find the way you have honored your creativity and found an outlet for your authentic voice truly inspiring, Jen. It fills me with hope.
why I don't almost do what I do???
1. I will be put out there on an island {scary}
2. I don't know everything therefore someone will be better
3. I might need to ask for help
4. I will fail and then what?
I'm not good enough. I'll be seen as the fraud I am. I'm not creative enough. I am voiceless.
Thank you Jen for doing what you do, even though there are reasons you may not want to!! I love your writing.
...because it is too big of a project, it will take too much time I don't have, it might not be good enough, I am not sure I will enjoy it, it might be hard.... then, I remember, I was put together carefully by the Creator with incredible pieces of light that flicker and dazzle my own heart. Creating and connecting with others is one of those things that makes me feel whole and included among the living, so I do it. And, I am starting to love it even when it is not perfect because it is out of this tender risking place that I give myself permission not to be perfect, but to be.... and I decided just a few years ago that is enough: to do what I can do. This creates joy in me.
If others won't like my work, I might just stop. My love and appreciation for the things I craft might be too frail. So it could all fail...but it might not.
I often wonder who I think I am to do all this...and whether it will really matter to anyone. And whether it's good enough, and whether I have time. Blah, blah, blah. These little voices are insistent, aren't they? And I don't want to fail or get it wrong. But it's places like this and people like you, Jen, that encourage me quietly to keep going. That tell me I can't give up. That I have something, however small, to share with the world.
1. If I ever start - I will lose myself completely.
2. The things I say will reveal how I really feel - and if I do that - people will not like me.
3. What I have to say is not important enough to hear and the way I have to say it is not good enough.
4. Nobody WANTS to hear what I have to say because those things might upend their world.
every one of those things you mentioned has, and does, bite me in the a** at times - but what gets me MOST of the time lately- and i've only JUST figured it out - is (and THIS is the scariest thing in the world to me to share) is because I'm afraid of succeeding. i read this in barbara sher's work - and intellectually "got" it, but have only very recently begun to get it in my bones. I'm afraid of what will be expected of me if/when I succeed. I noticed, with my coach, that this isn't new for me - I did it even when I was young (tho I blamed it on all kinds of other things)..thing is..i'm in my 50's now and it's TIME...I'm tired of being afraid - you inspire me, Jen - thank you!
oh jen, I can so relate. Especially to the last two points. I can also feel the lure of becoming a full-time mommy with no stressful work-on-the-side-deal. But you know what: You are doing this for your soul, and if that's not enough, for all ours as well. Your kind of authenticity is what makes the world lighter, a little more peaceful, and much more likeable in general. So thanks for sticking to it. Miss you.
Well, I am glad there is a Jen Lee, you are who you are and thankful for what you're doing. :)
I don't know what's holding me back, honestly. Maybe laziness. Maybe feeling like I have nothing new to say. But I do have so much to say...in my own crazy way. I feel content in where I am; but I miss the burning desire to write and share. I am lucky in that I am truly supported, my husband would be THRILLED if I decided to actually write. I think I just need a swift kick in the butt.